Your new favourite meme

Philosoraptor!

Simian-poop journalism

I.e. fling enough shit and anyone can appear dirty.

Bob Crow gave evidence to the Media Ethics Inquiry today and, oh, the lengths the press go to get a scoop. They keep private detective to watch him on holiday. They 'blag' private information held by the DVLA. A Sunday Times journalist was refused a copy of the agenda for an RMT official meeting, so he began rooting around in the RMT's office bins. Most charming of all:

Crow describes being "doorstepped" at home by reporters and photographers from the Sun.

"When I got to the station he still stood in my way and said, 'you're not allowed to go to work'," Crow tells Leveson.

He says there were two men with video cameras and others who refused to let him go to work. Crow says the Sun told him: "What's it like not to get to go to work? You stopped people going to work this week so get a taste of your own medicine."

Oh, it's just like Woodward and Bernstein.

Another fine mess

A plan by the education secretary, Michael Gove, to send a copy of the King James Bible to every school in the country – each including a personal inscription from him – has run into trouble after government sources reported he has been told to find private funding for the project.

Sources said David Cameron told Gove that while he supported the idea, the education secretary should avoid using taxpayers' money for it. But Gove has yet to find a private philanthropic sponsor for the enterprise, and some Whitehall sources said he has been told he cannot distribute the book until he does so, leaving thousands of copies in a warehouse abroad.

It's the idea of a personal inscription that really makes it funny... funny until you realise that this particular loony has taken over the asylum... This is what he occupies his time with, Michael Gove; yachts, bibles and Jamie Oliver novelty schools. This is, of course, lunacy with a purpose. The government are more than just upper-class twits. They are bent on destroying the Labour Party's base (that's you and me, folks, not the Labour Party itself) in the organised working class and the welfare state. By wrecking as much chaos, destruction and folly Michael Gove makes it that much harder for anyone to rebuild a progressive education system. The Tories, unopposed, will make lunacy the new logic.

But, let it not be said we are just bitter, carping critics. No. Let's run with this idea. Those books must be bought and brought to our chidren because... well... because! Let's get some sponsorship going. We (who's 'we'?) at TtSD have wracked our brains and can come up with no more appropriate sponsor than Quickquid.com, the online loanshark, bringing you religion and exploitative usery in a neat, post-modern package. Rejoice!

World of mild interest

Ironies: Homer Simpson, lazy American worker archetype, has had 188 different jobs. Bender (Bending Rodriguez) the robot who denies that robots are tools built by humans to make their lives easier is the most useful tool in cartoon history. Here's a list of his inbuilt and attached functions:

Trash Can: Bender's own cavity can be used as a trash can. First seen "Space Pilot 3000" as he throws a bottle of beer inside himself.

Extenso-matic Eyes: His eyes can zoom out of his normal layer, so he can get a better view on things; they tend to fall out when he zooms too far. First seen also in "Space Pilot 3000".

Subway Car: His legs can extend onto rail tracks and his feet work like wheels, allowing Fry, Leela, and a random bum transportation in Old New York. Seen only in "The Luck of the Fryrish".

Extenso-matic arms: Bender's arms and legs are capable of extending to many times their normal length. First seen in "The Series Has Landed".

GayDar: Bender pulls out a small radar device to prove to Amy and Leela that a man they are interested in is gay. It surprisingly works, seen in "Love's Labours Lost in Space".

Video Camera: Each of Bender's eyes can be used as a camera, either to take pictures or to film things. Both are first seen in "When Aliens Attack". He also has one more camera, located "below the equator" which does not always "perform". The camera is never seen, but it can be heard extending.

Cowcatcher: In "A Taste of Freedom", Bender has a 19th century style cowcatcher installed to his front to clear a path through the crowd outside the Decapodian Embassy.

Barbecue: Bender's cavity is used the same way as a barbecue. He used it to cook some burgers. First seen in "When Aliens Attack".

Oven: His cavity can be used as an oven, to cook things. The real function name is "E-z Bake", and is used to cook a cake for Nibbler, in the episode "I Second that Emotion".

Refrigerator: His cavity can also be used to refrigerate, as seen also in "I Second that Emotion".

Stage Light: A light can come out of his cavity. He used it for the first time in "When Aliens Attack".

AC Power generator: Bender plugs a television power cord into his side in Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV.

Popcorn maker: Bender can make some popcorn in his cavity. He can also push down on his antenna to dispense butter. First seen in "Fear of a Bot Planet".
Keg: Bender can also serve some beers within is cavity. First seen in "Hell Is Other Robots"­.

Toilet: Bender's cavity is used as a toilet in the episode "The Cyber House Rules". He pushes his antenna to flush.

Recorder: Bender can record things with his head. First seen in "A Head in the Polls", to record Richard Nixon's head's words. He records onto magnetic tape cassettes.

Oxygen Supplier: In the episode "The Deep South", Bender is used as an Oxygen Supplier, that comes via some masks.

Exhaust Port: Bender's exhaust port is present in his ass, as seen in "Crimes of the Hot".

Flotation Device: In "The Deep South", Bender refer to his ass as a Flotation Device.

Pepper Grinder: In "The 30% Iron Chef", Bender inserts peppercorns in his mouth and shakes ground pepper out of his ass.

Beer Tub: Beer ferments in Bender's chest cavity in the episode "The Route of All Evil". It has a capacity of at least five gallons, six ounces.

Pager: Antenna glows and vibrates to notify the New Justice Team of a call from the mayor in "Less than Hero".

Oil Sprayer : Bender sprays oil on a cosmetic saleswoman in "A Fishful of Dollars".
Mail Box: Bender's antenna indicates when he is receiving mail. First seen in "Crimes of the Hot".

Chicken Deboner: Bender can debone a chicken by putting it into his mouth. He then regurgitates the chicken's skeleton and a feather duster. Seen in "The 30% Iron Chef".

Card Shuffler: Bender can put a deck of cards into his mouth to shuffle them, and then spit them back out to deal them. He can apparently spit them with enough force for them to cut through objects such as apples and hair. Seen in "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back".

Circular Saw: Bender can use his hands as a circular saw and lower a matching eyeshade to protect his eyes. First seen in "Less than Hero".

EFTPOS Machine: In "Leela's Homeworld", Bender takes the Professor's credit card and swipes it between his teeth to check its balance.

Laser Show: In "Jurassic Bark", Bender projects an expensive-looking laser show with his head, complete with techno music.

Flamethrower: Bender boils some water using flames coming out of his mouth in "Anthology of Interest I". May not be a real feature due the scene being part of a simulation.

Stadium air horn: In "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings", the Robot Devil installs a stadium air horn under Bender's nose.

Voice Modifier: In "Bender Gets Made", Bender changed his voice via a control panel. Two voices are available : Robot (his normal voice), and King (his normal voice with a British accent).

Bug Zapper: In "Spanish Fry", Bender shows that he is apparently capable of charging his surface with electricity and using his head to electrocute bugs.

Lighthouse: In "Obsoletely Fabulous", Bender's revolving head and luminous eyes acted as a fully functional lighthouse. He can also emit a foghorn sound.

Pistol: In the cover of the game, Bender is shown using his finger as a pistol. Canon status of the game uncertain.

Cheating Unit: In "A Flight to Remember", Bender speaks of his "cheating unit" which predicts (inaccurately) the coming roll of the dice at craps.

Water Boiler: Boils and produces hot water for Calculon in "That's Lobstertainment!".

Safe: In "Put Your Head on My Shoulder", Bender stores money in his cavity, the combination lock dial can be seen on his door.

Movie Projector: In "Crimes of the Hot" Bender's head projects an educational film.
Pen: Finger can turn into a pen. Used to write down an address in "Xmas Time Is Fear" and to write down a joke in "Who's Dying to Be a Gazillionaire?", and to write a "A Plea For Attention" in "The 30% Iron Chef".

Cigar Lighter: His finger also flips up to reveal a cigar lighter. He uses this throughout the series to light his cigars.

Paper Shredder: Paper is inserted into his mouth, shredded and comes out of his chest. Used to shred the menu in Hell Is Other Robots.

Food Processor: Bender purées fish and regurgitates it to his surrogate penguin children in "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz".

Answering Machine: In "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch", Amy apparently uses him as an answering machine. He isn't a very good one, though, as he doesn't alert people to new messages, and then deletes them anyway.

CD Player: Bender can open his mouth panel to insert and play music CDs, as revealed in "Obsoletely Fabulous".

Projector: A deleted scene from the opening of The Beast with a Billion Backs shows Bender projecting the Futurama logo, and the blue beams displayed behind it, from the top of his head, possibly from his antenna.

Spray Paint: Bender is capable of spraying paint from his mouth, and does this when writing graffiti as seen in "A Pharaoh to Remember".

Suction Cup Feet: Bender can use his feet as suction cups, allowing him to walk on walls. This is seen in "Bendless Love".

Vacuum: Bender's arm can also can be used as a vacuum. As seen in the fourth movie; Into the Wild Green Yonder, sucking up slot coins.

Pencil Sharpener: Bender can sharpen a pencil, as seen in "Lethal Inspection".
Gyroscope: Bender is gyroscopically stable, as seen in "The Mutants Are Revolting".

Roller Skates: Roller Skates can extend from Bender's feet. Only seen once in "A Pharaoh to Remember".

Flash Camera: He uses his eyes to take pictures for the Girly Calendars in "Neutopia".

Cannon: If cannon ball is placed in his chest cabinet, his antenna can be lit to activate his cannon function. Bender didn't know he could do this. Seen in "All the Presidents' Heads".

Defibrillators: Located inside his chest cabinet as seen in "How Much is that Mutant in the Window?".

Telephone Device: This was seen in "How Much is that Mutant in the Window?" on the inside of Bender's chest door, the tip of his antenna lit up red when he used it to call a tow ship to get himself, Fry, Leela and Nibbler home.

How many Labour front-benchers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. We have to accept darkness is only game in town.

Burning questions of our time

The British Government wants to give the Queen a yacht. Yeah, yeah, it's not going to be paid for out of the public purse, but that only begs the question: what does it have to do with the government then? Maybe it's because the Tories just like discussing the finer things in life, like love, gay love and screwing the working class; but enough crudity, back to yachts.

You might be interested to know that Prince Charles and Princess Anne back the idea of a new Royal Yacht (you remember electing these two...? No...?). With that kind of backing the yacht's almost certain to go ahead:

Gove wrote to the prime minister on 12 September, again supporting the project: "I believe that approving this ship to become a royal yacht would be an excellent way to mark the Queen's diamond jubilee and to thank her as a nation for her long and untiring service to this country."

In this letter he stated: "No money should be made available from the public purse", but in a second letter dated 11 December he did not make this point writing instead: "My suggestion would be a gift from the nation to the Queen thinking about, for example, David Willetts' excellent suggestion for a royal yacht – and something tangible to commemorate this momentous occasion. If there is not sufficient public money available then we could surely look for a generous private donation, for example, to give every school child a lasting memento of the occasion or possibly to allow every school to buy a permanent reminder."

Another lasting memento to go with the abolition of EMA, £9,000 annual university fees and selective free schools. In other news there's a million young unemployed - but what can you do about that eh?

One false move and I'm Jim Davidson - pt 2

An interesting and potentially important article (LCHR anyone?) in this month’s Socialist Review:

What's going on? It seems like every time I switch on my TV, so-called comedians and panel show celebrities are telling racist and other offensive jokes.

Only the other day, Jimmy Carr was on a quiz panel spouting a tirade of racist jokes about Travellers and their protest at Dale Farm. Two days later Jeremy Clarkson was on the BBC's One Show saying that strikers should be shot in front of their families.

His excuse? It was only a joke. I don't recall the same leniency being applied to the two young men who jokingly called on people to riot on facebook over the summer.

There has been a trend going toward obscene, shock-jock comedy. You might call it “taboo-busting” but since when has respect for minorities, sometimes vulnerable minorities, been some kind of ghastly hypocritical sham? And it isn’t enough to say its ironic humour. A situational irony is action which achieves the opposite of the intentions behind the action. This is important for stand up comedy.

Humour is very specific, especially when it comes to live performance. All the great comedians (great by consensus, I would say – your Hicks, your Pryors, your Bruces) took care to cultivate their audience, so their comedy would be understood on stage. It’s a common observation that if a routine goes down well 9 times out of 10 the 10th time, where it is poorly received, is that particular audience’s fault – they just didn’t get it.

It is well and good to say:

Comedy should be about challenging authority and convention, not laughing at the most oppressed and exploited in society. The fact is we don't live in an equal world.

I suppose it should but, if we’re being picky, the first thing comedy should be about is making people laugh. Comedy can challenge authority and convention, it can also point out the ironies of the mundane, it can take you on flights of fantasy; it can even lift the lid on the darker areas of humanity – giving you a sense of relief that you’re not the only one to think that (even if you know it's wrong). Bill Hicks was brilliant at ‘dark poetry’, Frankie Boyle, I think, has his moments too.

Popular comedy started to move away from the Alternative Ideal when it became truly popular. In 1993 Newman and Baddiel played Wembley Arena and Comedy was the New Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll is a broad, cool medium. Stand up comedy is very specifically intense, hot.

How do you make 12,000 people simultaneously laugh? You can’t lose any part of the room when you’re playing to that number (as the top comedians do quite frequently now). This is where the cutting edge is blunted. It leads back into the point about irony. It is, or should be, a subtle rhetorical tool, what are the prospects for successful irony at a stadium gig? Everyone knows the example of Al Murray, a character comedian who started off satirising Little Englanders but ended up going native. Given the history of comedy more generally, you have to wonder what future there is in ironic satire. Racists loved Alf Garnett, Yuppies took Loadsamoney to their bosom and today Hipsters adore the Dickhead Song.

Though there’s clearly a lot more to establish, we need to understand how stand up comedy went from cutting edge to middle of the road to lowest common denominator. Otherwise you might fairly conclude that, in the 1980s, people were right-on, whereas these days they’re giggling reactionary scum.

Newt Gingrich – satori in New Hampshire

He’s probably now not going to be the next President of the United States. Even so, Newt seems to have gained a valuable insight:

"Is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of other people and walk off with the money?"

Well yes and no, Newt, the only quibble being these days it’s possible to manipulate the lives of millions of people; but that’s just me being picky. Then again he also said that:

There is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment...

Elsewhere:

I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

Which, as the author in the link suggests, begs the question of what on Earth gay-secular-fascist-islamists look like? What do they do, stone themselves to death?

Now, it’s all very well kicking a man when he’s down. For your enjoyment, Michael Moore, kicking Gingrich when he was up:

Sorreeeeee

David Cameron is sorreeeeee for comparing the families of Hillsborough Disaster victims to “a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there”.

David Cameron is sorreeeeee for telling a woman MP to “calm down, dear”.

David Cameron is sorreeeeee for comparing the Shadow Chancellor to a tourettes sufferer.

If you got the impression that David Cameron regards people other than himself as an inconvenience and irritation then David Cameron is sorreeeeee.