As we all know, television is the greatest invention of the 22nd century, liberating minds, lifing horizons. But it has not been perfected. Surely we're not at the end of history, yet. With Roobin's help we may just get there. Here's some of the shows I pitched recently to the TV execs.
Pro-celebrity Wanking - like Big Brother it makes surprisingly hypnotic viewing.
Yo Yo Wars - after all that's what they were invented for.
When Fat Americans Attack - gee what a cute country, shame food's so bad, speaking of which... lunch!
Really Big Exposions - stock footage of the BBC's Iraq coverage, with voiceover by Jeremy Clarkson.
Cooking with Ariel Sharon - most Palestinians are caught alive, in which case hang them from the ceiling by their arms and legs...
Graverobbing with Lesley Crowther - so long as we can get him out of "retirement".
Wheel of Surgery - round and round off it goes, where it lands, nobody knows!
Let's Hunt and Kill Simon Mayo - no hard feelings but, after the Radio One breakfast slot it's downhill from here on in.
It's a Police Knockout - gangs of coppers banging their skulls together, hours of fun.
It's a Royal SAS Knockout - Princes Harry and William banging their skulls together for hours on end, dressed as doctors and nurses.
It's a Pro-Celebrity Wanking Knockout - too ill to contemplate.
Terrorists Say the Funniest Things - Osama on where babies come from is such a scream.
Antiques Roadshow Special: amusing disappoinment - they thought it was valuable, but we showed them.
All of them were accepted and will be going into production soon.
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