Thursday, August 17, 2006
Reid anounces new anti-terror legislation
John Reid, seen here with a gun growing out of his head, today announced his new 6-point anti terror legislaion.
1) Positive profiling. Anyone with a foreign-sounding name will be detained. In addition, fat people will also be stopped, in case they are secretly a thin bomber in disguise.
2) Control the internet. 'We will shut down or block websites that detail how to manufacture liquid explosives' - says Reid. This will include all news websites that last week helpfully explained how liquid explosives could be manufactured on board planes.
3) Increased security checks. Anybody looking 'a bit foreign' will now be treated to a full cavity search. In addition, check-in staff will now be replaced by a series or super-intelligent robots, with freeway onramps for arms, and hearts as black as coal.
4) Explosives and intelligence. New measures will curb the availability of liquid explosives across Europe. This will include a ban on the purchase of all toileteries. As Reid pointed out 'these people are very intelligent. it's better we are all very smelly than dead'. In addition, European police forces will now shae intelligence. It is hoped they will be able to scrape together a coherent idea between them.
5) Rapid reaction forces. similar to martial law. In the event of the government claiming to have unearthed a terrorist plot, police forces will introduce an unlimited shoot to kill. In addition, the maximum time available to detain suspects will automatically increase from 28 days to 294 years.
6) Tackling radicalisation. a new form of 'European Islam' is to be introduced. In this, Muslims will be taught that if they vote for anyone other than the Labour party, this will be taken as a message that they are happy for the government to pass new legislation, allowing it to detain them indefinitely. If they vote Labour, it will be taken as a message that they are happy for the government to pass new legislation, allowing it to detain them indefinitely. Other features of European Islam will include praying thrice daily to supreme overlord Tony Blair, and replacing traditional religious clothing with a hoodie.