Good news folks, thanks to an internet campaign to prevent non-entities from topping the charts, Tony Blair has finally caught and overtaken Andy Newman in the race to become Git of the Decade. With less than a week to go the race is really hotting up (from utterly stone cold). Be sure not to miss out. Vote now!
As was expected we've had some write-in gits. Hazel Blears was far and way the most popular (meaning unpopular). But some of the others were quite interesting.
Reverend L Ron Waterbuffalo, Canon of the Seventh Day Church of Christ the Heavenly Telephonist, wrote that, "I'm fed up of those adverts that appear in your email all the time, advertising cheap pills, breast impants and penis extensions. Most annoying is the one that goes 'Go Compare! Go Compare! When in doubt, check them out! Go Compare!' Can't we do something about them?"
We also got this in from Glenda Neumark, Walton-on-the-Naze, "wat abat those gits wat did Beagle 2? Talk abaht not being able to hit a cows arse wiv a banjo, these gits couldn't 'it the back of ah 145 square kilometre rock with an intergalactic saucepan".
Stumpy Oleg McNolegs from Aberdeen got in touch to say, "we're being invaded by Moonpig!" Thanks for that, Stumpy.
Bob Mondeoson, the current secretary of the Top Gear fan club, was equally cryptic. "I'm so glad I'm not ze abroad, otherwise I'd have to hate meinself... und I'm great".
Timothy Smartarse, Professor of Indeterminate Studies at University College London suggested Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. "After all it is the Sgt Pepper of the film fanasy genre. Very good, but it inspired a lot of crap. Take Narnia, or The Golden Compass, or The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus".
So, by quite interesting we meant, ahem... slightly... interesting.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
For No Rasin!
It was said that comedy was the new rock and roll. This judgement was primarily based the lasting Bill Hicks effect. Hicks took the typical subject matter of the rock song (love, sexuality, drugs, radical politics) and put it into stand-up comedy, formerly dominated by odd socks and mother-in-law jokes.
But, if we look at it from a McLuhanite point of view (the medium is the message), we should look at what rock and roll or comedy consists of, what it does, as opposed to simply says. Both rock music and comedy are essentially hot forms. They are performing arts that develop one sense to a very high degree. But most art forms are encountered as hybrids. Despite being performing arts, rock music and comedy, because they have to be made into commodities, are usually appreciated as recorded arts.
What actually defines popular music and comedy is coolness. Rock stardom, which is the real business of the music industry, amounts to idolatry. The generally regarded great musicians are icons (aristocracy, canon, gods, it amounts to the same thing).
A rock star is a cool object, a distant, ill-defined being. An audience at a rock concert is expected to look at the band, the band look back at each member of the audience - the thousand yard stare. The rock star, the performance, the music, the look, amounts to the basis of fantasy formation, often but not always sexual fantasy. It is no surprise that pop/rock stars unleashed tremendous psychic tidal waves, especially in the early years, that confused and frightened the powers that be. It's also not surprise that they often inspire strange devotion and enthusiasm by people who claim to 'know' them.
It's the declining firmament of rock stardom that leads people to question the vitality of pop music. But we can hardly say that comedy has taken the place of rock music. Few comedians, even the most famous, are genuinely iconic. One key factor perhaps is most comedy is observational. Modern comedians aren't self-referential, self-mythologising.
Another aspect may well be a decline in iconography in general. A prime currency in mass media is revealation. Much more is known about famous people today, compared with, say, the early 20th century, the stars of stage and screen. The ultimate end would be the 'reality' star, the person who wins fame by submitting their entire being for scrutiny.
But, if we look at it from a McLuhanite point of view (the medium is the message), we should look at what rock and roll or comedy consists of, what it does, as opposed to simply says. Both rock music and comedy are essentially hot forms. They are performing arts that develop one sense to a very high degree. But most art forms are encountered as hybrids. Despite being performing arts, rock music and comedy, because they have to be made into commodities, are usually appreciated as recorded arts.
What actually defines popular music and comedy is coolness. Rock stardom, which is the real business of the music industry, amounts to idolatry. The generally regarded great musicians are icons (aristocracy, canon, gods, it amounts to the same thing).
A rock star is a cool object, a distant, ill-defined being. An audience at a rock concert is expected to look at the band, the band look back at each member of the audience - the thousand yard stare. The rock star, the performance, the music, the look, amounts to the basis of fantasy formation, often but not always sexual fantasy. It is no surprise that pop/rock stars unleashed tremendous psychic tidal waves, especially in the early years, that confused and frightened the powers that be. It's also not surprise that they often inspire strange devotion and enthusiasm by people who claim to 'know' them.
It's the declining firmament of rock stardom that leads people to question the vitality of pop music. But we can hardly say that comedy has taken the place of rock music. Few comedians, even the most famous, are genuinely iconic. One key factor perhaps is most comedy is observational. Modern comedians aren't self-referential, self-mythologising.
Another aspect may well be a decline in iconography in general. A prime currency in mass media is revealation. Much more is known about famous people today, compared with, say, the early 20th century, the stars of stage and screen. The ultimate end would be the 'reality' star, the person who wins fame by submitting their entire being for scrutiny.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Charge of the Weird Bridgade
Well kiss mah grits! RATM are number one after all, pop pickers! Here's Charlie on the subject:
Sums it up quite well. It might be too big a gear jump but, other good news, the gate at Auschwitz has been recovered. The odds are the men arrested are neo-nazis, rather than art thieves (though they were apparently well organised).
Ex-minister and loose cannon MP Kim Howells is planning to stand down at the next general election ("Dr Kim Howells is planning to paint and climb mountains when he stands down"... Take cover!). So long fruitcake, and take this kind of bilge with you.
More good news... humanity might go sailing on Titan's great lakes.
If the Christmas No 1 turns out to be an angry, confrontational rock track that concludes with an explosion of f-words, it'll be precisely the shot in the arm the charts have been sorely lacking the last few years: something that puts a genuine smile on the face of millions of people; sensitive people, thoughtful people; people alienated by the stifling cloud of grinning mechanical pap farted into their faces on a weekly basis by cocky, clattering, calculating talent shows such as X Factor. It would give these people hope. Maybe only in a very small and silly way, but still: a tiny spoonful of hope. And what could be more Christmassy than that?
Sums it up quite well. It might be too big a gear jump but, other good news, the gate at Auschwitz has been recovered. The odds are the men arrested are neo-nazis, rather than art thieves (though they were apparently well organised).
Ex-minister and loose cannon MP Kim Howells is planning to stand down at the next general election ("Dr Kim Howells is planning to paint and climb mountains when he stands down"... Take cover!). So long fruitcake, and take this kind of bilge with you.
More good news... humanity might go sailing on Titan's great lakes.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazi party... You can't trust people.
If you're stupid/unfortunate enough to watch TV at the moment you'll know it's Christmas. One of the things you're being told to buy is celebrity memoirs (actually, I might buy this one if it's cheap enough). Just as the music charts are choking on shit, the bestseller lists are smogging up with noxious makeweight ghostbooks. It's terrible, isn't it, but what can you do (there's there a Copenhagen metaphor in there somewhere).
Well, given that we are supposed to live through commodities, you could go out and buy these Actually Existing Books:
Barbs, Prongs, Points, Prickers, and Stickers: a complete illustrated catalogue of barbed wire.
Gotobed on Darts.
Sex + Sex = Gruppensex.
Sex After Death.
Build Your Own Hindenburg.
Becoming a Sensuous Catechist.
Skin Diseases for Beginners.
Colon Cleanse the Easy Way.
The Mystery of Golf [Roobin's Note: Tiger Woods doctor is currently under criminal investigation for doping various athletes, which begs the question, how'd you dope for golf?]
Shag: the story of a dog.
The Dog Orchestra.
On Canine Madness.
Birds Asleep.
The Cult of the Budgerigar.
Salmon: the world's most harassed fish.
Black-Footed Ferret Recovery Plan.
How to Pose as a Strong Man.
Suggestive Handwork for the Lower Classes.
Malaya Upsidedown.
Hacking Through Belgium.
Jokes Cracked by Lord Aberdeen.
Well, given that we are supposed to live through commodities, you could go out and buy these Actually Existing Books:
Barbs, Prongs, Points, Prickers, and Stickers: a complete illustrated catalogue of barbed wire.
Gotobed on Darts.
Sex + Sex = Gruppensex.
Sex After Death.
Build Your Own Hindenburg.
Becoming a Sensuous Catechist.
Skin Diseases for Beginners.
Colon Cleanse the Easy Way.
The Mystery of Golf [Roobin's Note: Tiger Woods doctor is currently under criminal investigation for doping various athletes, which begs the question, how'd you dope for golf?]
Shag: the story of a dog.
The Dog Orchestra.
On Canine Madness.
Birds Asleep.
The Cult of the Budgerigar.
Salmon: the world's most harassed fish.
Black-Footed Ferret Recovery Plan.
How to Pose as a Strong Man.
Suggestive Handwork for the Lower Classes.
Malaya Upsidedown.
Hacking Through Belgium.
Jokes Cracked by Lord Aberdeen.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Merry Christmas, Mr Walsh
Seumas Milne gets most of it right, but a comment below is even more concise:
Merry Christmas, Mr Walsh.
You can stick your money in a tax haven and still use UK infrastructure for nothing, no law against that.
You can sack people in the UK and ship their jobs out to sweatshops in Asia, no law against that.
You can be a tax exile and still sit in the House of Lords and fund the Tory party in your own interest, no law against that.
You can own the Daily Mail, live in the UK, sit in the House of Lords and pay tax in France, no law against that.
You can own the Daily Telegraph, use it to attack MPs allegedly on behalf of the taxpayer and his burden, and yet live in a tax haven offshore and increase the burden on the taxpayer, no law against that.
But if you work here, pay tax here, and wish to fight your employer as he tries to rubbish your terms and conditions at work...............well, you can see why Henry Ford thought the law was an ass. Not changed much, has it?
Merry Christmas, Mr Walsh.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
News, glorious news
The UK government is going to rig, sorry, amend the law so Israeli state officials and ministers can visit Britain with impuntity.
That's one way round the problem, make murder legal.
Here's another one for stupid cops not knowing the law pushing people around for taking pictures. Actually, the victim in question did commit a crime, the worst one of all, Contempt of Cop. Even senior police officers admit that there is no law against taking pictures of buildings. This doesn't seem to filter down though. Photographers wanting advice should go here.
Meanwhile there have been more arrests in Copenhagen as the state tries to protect democracy from the people. What a wonderful world.
David Miliband, the foreign secretary, said tonight the government was "looking urgently" at ways the legal system might be changed following action against Tzipi Livni, Israel's opposition leader, over her role in the Gaza war.
The dispute erupted after Westminster magistrates court in London issued an unprecedented arrest warrant for Livni on Sunday – a move described by Binyamin Netanyahu, Israel's prime minister, as an "absurdity." Miliband said Israeli leaders "must be able to visit and have a proper dialogue with the British government."
That's one way round the problem, make murder legal.
Here's another one for stupid cops not knowing the law pushing people around for taking pictures. Actually, the victim in question did commit a crime, the worst one of all, Contempt of Cop. Even senior police officers admit that there is no law against taking pictures of buildings. This doesn't seem to filter down though. Photographers wanting advice should go here.
Meanwhile there have been more arrests in Copenhagen as the state tries to protect democracy from the people. What a wonderful world.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Some music
Dinosaur Pile-Up - Summer Hit Single (not seasonally appropriate, I know)
Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of... (christmas number one, if you want it)
Download here.
Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of... (christmas number one, if you want it)
Download here.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
American empire.... blah
“America has never been an empire…” which is great, we all had a good, bitter laugh at George Bush.
More pertinent, Lenin said prior to the Russian revolution, that Russia faces two paths of development, American and Prussian. He was referring to the growing home market and the huge, then untapped potential of Russia’s eastern territories.
By American development Lenin meant the frontier would be conquered by small-scale pioneers. In Russian case this would be emancipated peasants dividing up the land and getting to work.
By Prussian development Lenin meant the pressure from outside development would force the great landowners to rationalise their regimes on capitalist lines. The result would be large-scale agriculture and mineral extraction, capitalism, but with the trappings of feudal absolutism (emphasis on absolutism).
The actual revolution opened up a third possibility. Western Russia was part of European and Global capitalism. This meant dislocation and unrest in Russia implied the same developing in capital’s heartland. The communal development of Russia, dependent upon the same development in the west, became a possibility.
In the short-term this possibility was only contingent. The revolution in the west was defeated, with it workers power in Russian cities declined and eventually fell.
This then left the two original options open. The trouble was the immediate post-revolutionary regime in the countryside (the American regime) was dependent on workers power in the cities. What history is there of long-term peasant republics, especially under capitalism?
It’s tempting to say, without revolution in the west, the inevitable outcome was Prussian. In this case it was super-Prussian, a new definition of absolute power. Is the American path, as described by Lenin, a long-term possibility? Perhaps it’s not.
The United States of America is outwardly a republic, based upon a colonial rebellion. Between the end of Civil War, the laying of the great railways, the end of the western frontier (the end of pioneer development) and the outbreak of war with Spain, America became a republic with the momentum of an empire.
It is a particularly fiendish empire. Judging by the present government (and legislature) the logic of its momentum can even defy apparent good-will of its nominal emperor.
More pertinent, Lenin said prior to the Russian revolution, that Russia faces two paths of development, American and Prussian. He was referring to the growing home market and the huge, then untapped potential of Russia’s eastern territories.
By American development Lenin meant the frontier would be conquered by small-scale pioneers. In Russian case this would be emancipated peasants dividing up the land and getting to work.
By Prussian development Lenin meant the pressure from outside development would force the great landowners to rationalise their regimes on capitalist lines. The result would be large-scale agriculture and mineral extraction, capitalism, but with the trappings of feudal absolutism (emphasis on absolutism).
The actual revolution opened up a third possibility. Western Russia was part of European and Global capitalism. This meant dislocation and unrest in Russia implied the same developing in capital’s heartland. The communal development of Russia, dependent upon the same development in the west, became a possibility.
In the short-term this possibility was only contingent. The revolution in the west was defeated, with it workers power in Russian cities declined and eventually fell.
This then left the two original options open. The trouble was the immediate post-revolutionary regime in the countryside (the American regime) was dependent on workers power in the cities. What history is there of long-term peasant republics, especially under capitalism?
It’s tempting to say, without revolution in the west, the inevitable outcome was Prussian. In this case it was super-Prussian, a new definition of absolute power. Is the American path, as described by Lenin, a long-term possibility? Perhaps it’s not.
The United States of America is outwardly a republic, based upon a colonial rebellion. Between the end of Civil War, the laying of the great railways, the end of the western frontier (the end of pioneer development) and the outbreak of war with Spain, America became a republic with the momentum of an empire.
It is a particularly fiendish empire. Judging by the present government (and legislature) the logic of its momentum can even defy apparent good-will of its nominal emperor.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Welcome to the Jungle
It gets worse here every day. Starting with the chance to join Sting and his wife at home... during lambing season:
The current bid is £620... a snip. Meanwhile, teenager plans to walk to the south pole. She apparently said: "and this time I mean it!"
Simon Cowell, calling the kettle black.
The police are now monitoring nurseries for evidence of Islamic radicalisation:
Evidence? Mark my words, by 2012 the police will be lobbying for barcodes and colonic mapping of suspects and the definition of suspect to be widened to "someone some officer doesn't like the look of".
Finally, never let anyone tell you the EDL aren't fascists and are peacefully protesting against militant Islam:
"Sting and his film producer wife Trudie Styler [Roobin's note: yes she does creative stuff too] will open their house in Wiltshire for you and up to 10 – yes, 10 – friends for a visit during lambing season. You'll be able to see not only how a millionaire rock star lives, but also to see what a fully fledged working organic farm looks like – and the miracle of birth."
The current bid is £620... a snip. Meanwhile, teenager plans to walk to the south pole. She apparently said: "and this time I mean it!"
Simon Cowell, calling the kettle black.
The police are now monitoring nurseries for evidence of Islamic radicalisation:
In an e-mail to community groups, an officer in the West Midlands counter-terrorism unit wrote: “I do hope that you will tell me about persons, of whatever age, you think may have been radicalised or be vulnerable to radicalisation ... Evidence suggests that radicalisation can take place from the age of 4.”
Evidence? Mark my words, by 2012 the police will be lobbying for barcodes and colonic mapping of suspects and the definition of suspect to be widened to "someone some officer doesn't like the look of".
Finally, never let anyone tell you the EDL aren't fascists and are peacefully protesting against militant Islam:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
What the fuck?
Anyone who doesn't think racism is on the rise, including the state encouraging it, should have a look at the box of chicken I just bought.
Where you would usually find drab advertising slogans, now you find this:
READ THIS
IT COULD STOP YOU GOING TO PRISON
IN PRISON
You CAN'T go to chicken shops whenever you want
You CAN'T hang out with your mates
You CAN'T see your family whenever you want
You CAN'T wear whatever you want
BUT RIGHT NOW
You CAN choose not to carry a knife
CARRY A KNIFE AND YOU COULD GET UP TO 4 YEARS IN PRISON
Presumably the reasoning is (and I can only assume the boxes are supplied by the old bill), that a lot of black people buy fried chicken (mostly for reasons of poverty and convenience, incidentally), and as the establishment loves to blame black people for knife crime, you can stop knife crime by advertising on chicken boxes, and in particular pointing out that carrying a knife may deny you access to said chicken.
Sophisticated thinking, it ain't.
Thanks to Tahirah for the pic, saves me taking one.
Where you would usually find drab advertising slogans, now you find this:
READ THIS
IT COULD STOP YOU GOING TO PRISON
IN PRISON
You CAN'T go to chicken shops whenever you want
You CAN'T hang out with your mates
You CAN'T see your family whenever you want
You CAN'T wear whatever you want
BUT RIGHT NOW
You CAN choose not to carry a knife
CARRY A KNIFE AND YOU COULD GET UP TO 4 YEARS IN PRISON
Presumably the reasoning is (and I can only assume the boxes are supplied by the old bill), that a lot of black people buy fried chicken (mostly for reasons of poverty and convenience, incidentally), and as the establishment loves to blame black people for knife crime, you can stop knife crime by advertising on chicken boxes, and in particular pointing out that carrying a knife may deny you access to said chicken.
Sophisticated thinking, it ain't.
Thanks to Tahirah for the pic, saves me taking one.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
My big idea
It's a plan so simple an idiot could have devised it. Oh woe is us. The left is so divided. Oh the voices in the wilderness! The crushing silence! Black milk! The wet jigsaw puzzle!
What common basis is there for a new left? What experience unites us ('us' in the very broadest sense) all?
Unlike, say the 1980s, where the ruling class took on sections of the working class one by one, starting with the weakest, the assault today is general. The ruling class is currently in some kind of conflict with the CWU, PCS, FBU and will certainly come soon for the RMT... conincidentally (or not) they are Britain's strongest unions. Meanwhile, if the assault doesn't feel general it soon will.
Nonetheless, take a leaflet about a strike and put it into another workplace, even a completely contrasting one, say a leaflet about a bin strike in Leeds into an FE college in London. The leaflet will mention jobs cuts, wage cuts and deteriorating conditions, driven through by management bullying.
This is common up and down the land. A network that can encourage the most militant industrial action with the widest possible solidarity (along the lines of the Leeds bin strike or the Tower Hamlets FE strike) can be the future basis of a new left.
First things first though, lay the basis...
Just a thought... you may go now.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Empire vs Commune
The emancipation of the working class is the act of the working class… or some such. It is a quote from the works of Karl Marx. Like a many of his aphorism there are several versions. I’ve counted at least five versions of philosophers have only interpreted the world…
But the meaning is clear. The road to working class freedom can only be cleared through its own action. It makes a funny socialist who doesn’t hold this as evident. Who on earth is left in capitalist society that can free the great majority of people, other than that majority?
Nonetheless we must grant that someone can be socialist and not take the above statement as true. Socialism is older than Marxism. Some would appropriate the Diggers or John Ball or the early Christians as socialists. Socialism as we know it today is a product of the French Revolution.
There have been two types of capitalist transformation. One is where the old ruling class has transformed society from above, sometimes fighting a form of civil war: example, Italian unification. The other is where a section of capitalists (or perhaps proto-capitalists), usually a section excluded from significant wealth and power by the ancien regime, mobilises the bulk of the population to clear the way to capitalism.
The second way, the French way, creates two problems. The mobilised population soon discovers their aptitude and desire for self-government. Through this they discover their distinct identity and needs, and their needs are not the same as the leaders of the movement.
In the English revolution the left was fairly easily routed. Between the Thermidor coup and the final ascent of Bonaparte there were a number of Jacobin inspired uprisings. Because the insurgents were looking for support within the government, support that used to exist but no more, they all foundered. The two conditions of a self-conscious mass movement were not fully developed (and were not clearly developed until 1871).
The gap between the promise (liberty, equality and fraternity) and the reality of post-revolutionary France developed the socialist critique, that formal equality meant little without social equality. The great breakthrough came when socialists realised what agency could bring about such a state.
Humans have always adapted to changes in their environment. Under capitalism most of those changes have been brought about by human activity. We are coming up to the international conference on climate change. All but the most corrupt and depraved advocates of blind accumulation accept that huge changes need to be made if we are to have another century of civilisation.
There are really only two agencies that can cope with the challenge of climate change.
Either we will see the rise of a ferocious international empire that can master the inevitable poverty and dislocation through brute force (the longer our rulers leave this problem the more likely they will resort to this in the end), or we raise a global commune, the antithesis of the empire, a self-conscious mobilisation of every last person minus an interest in the status quo. The likelihood is something like these two forms will have to duke it out while the middle way, whatever that might be, will disappear.
It is an historical fact progressive change comes only through the movement of great masses. The more such a movement is self-conscious and independent the more lasting the change will be.
But the meaning is clear. The road to working class freedom can only be cleared through its own action. It makes a funny socialist who doesn’t hold this as evident. Who on earth is left in capitalist society that can free the great majority of people, other than that majority?
Nonetheless we must grant that someone can be socialist and not take the above statement as true. Socialism is older than Marxism. Some would appropriate the Diggers or John Ball or the early Christians as socialists. Socialism as we know it today is a product of the French Revolution.
There have been two types of capitalist transformation. One is where the old ruling class has transformed society from above, sometimes fighting a form of civil war: example, Italian unification. The other is where a section of capitalists (or perhaps proto-capitalists), usually a section excluded from significant wealth and power by the ancien regime, mobilises the bulk of the population to clear the way to capitalism.
The second way, the French way, creates two problems. The mobilised population soon discovers their aptitude and desire for self-government. Through this they discover their distinct identity and needs, and their needs are not the same as the leaders of the movement.
In the English revolution the left was fairly easily routed. Between the Thermidor coup and the final ascent of Bonaparte there were a number of Jacobin inspired uprisings. Because the insurgents were looking for support within the government, support that used to exist but no more, they all foundered. The two conditions of a self-conscious mass movement were not fully developed (and were not clearly developed until 1871).
The gap between the promise (liberty, equality and fraternity) and the reality of post-revolutionary France developed the socialist critique, that formal equality meant little without social equality. The great breakthrough came when socialists realised what agency could bring about such a state.
Humans have always adapted to changes in their environment. Under capitalism most of those changes have been brought about by human activity. We are coming up to the international conference on climate change. All but the most corrupt and depraved advocates of blind accumulation accept that huge changes need to be made if we are to have another century of civilisation.
There are really only two agencies that can cope with the challenge of climate change.
Either we will see the rise of a ferocious international empire that can master the inevitable poverty and dislocation through brute force (the longer our rulers leave this problem the more likely they will resort to this in the end), or we raise a global commune, the antithesis of the empire, a self-conscious mobilisation of every last person minus an interest in the status quo. The likelihood is something like these two forms will have to duke it out while the middle way, whatever that might be, will disappear.
It is an historical fact progressive change comes only through the movement of great masses. The more such a movement is self-conscious and independent the more lasting the change will be.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
The Git Parade - git of the decade poll
It's here! At last! You're chance to vote for git of the decade! Make the most of it because it's downhill from here on in. Roobin's note: some people may find these selections partial, unfair and not the done thing. Those people are bozos, which is not a crime in itself, but anyone who complains in a boring manner will be zapped.
You have until December 31st to vote:
This decade has been the Decade of the Git. There is one overwhelming reason for this, more of which later, but first, what is a git?
A git is not powerful, is not confident, competent or socially useful. A git is an oxygen thief, a sponge, a sneak and a backstabber. A git is not a bully. A git is someone who stands behind the bully to feel big. Of course the bully is nothing without his posse, which, in many ways, makes being a git worse.
Git is not an adequate pejorative for someone like George Bush or Rupert Murdoch. A git is someone like Christopher Hitchens or, better still, James Murdoch who recently bastardised the good work of Charles Darwin to glorify his Dad’s business practices.
For the last twenty to twenty-five years Britain has been turned into the Land of the Gits. Roughly ¼ of the working population is now employed in financial services. While very few of them are out and out bankers, it is indicative of what our society has become. The British economy no longer makes anything useful or substantial. It specialises in finding new and innovative ways to bilk money out of the global system and spray it around in the form of credit.
Britain is the Git of the Globe. Appropriately enough the British government is said git in state form. The United States is the international bully, violent and cruel. What’s more it spent 8 of the last 10 years bragging about the misery it inflicts.
But, as we already mentioned, George Bush is not a git. The American President was, is and always will be a mass murderer. It makes no difference if he happens to be a smirking frat boy or an eloquent senator.
But for every bully there’s a buddy, and George Bush had Tony Blair.
State Sponsored Gits
First amongst gits is Tony Blair. Probably the runaway favourite, in his ten years of power our former Prime Minister combined the dignity of the highest office a commoner can aspire to with the degrading, unctuous manner of a waiter at a monkeys tea party. If you’re not sure, remember two words: “Yo Blair”.
But he was also a big fat liar. He didn’t just lie about the big things like weapons of mass destruction, he even peppered his passing anecdotes with absurd falsehoods. He was after all the 14 year old who managed to stow away to the Bahamas on a plane that never existed.
And now he’s a multi-millionaire! What a git!
The job spec for Home Secretary includes: “desirable qualities: vicious, cowardly, authoritarian, must continually redefine right wing to the point of infinite lunacy”. But there is a clear trend. The declining quality of Home Secretaries means that by 2012, Britain’s prisons and police will be run by a blue-arsed baboon, we will all have barcodes on our head and everyone under 35 not in the army will be preventatively jailed.
That said we would like to thank two particular former secretaries from the heart of our bottom. First up David Blunkett, the man who told Asians in Bradford their (still) imprisoned sons were “whining maniacs".
But special thoughts are reserved for Jack Straw, the turd that wouldn’t flush. He’s not stupid like, say, Ben Bradshaw or Hazel what-exactly-do-you-stand-for-except-election Blears. Jack Straw is a sly customer who learned his trade in the NUS.
The Labour Party has spent the last fifteen years pretending class doesn’t exist, except to counterpose class to race, hence the alleged concern for the “white working class”. Gary Younge was right when he said, if any one person can be blamed for the rise of racism and fascism in Britain its Jack Straw (granted a big if). This is a man happy to band words with Nick Griffin, but who, apparently, is unhappy speaking to his constituents constituents if he can't see their faces (goodness knows how he copes with telephone conversations).
Sub Gits
Or, perhaps, lesser gits. Politics is full of them. Denis McShane is a favourite of mine. He seems to be New Labour’s favourite intellectual attack dog, let off the leash to growl at Guardian readers. He has fearlessly pressed argument after specious argument, too many to list. A good example would be where he linked the fall of the Weimar Republic and the rise of Hitler to the “ideological vanity” of the USPD in breaking from the mainstream SPD in 1917.
Our other nomination in the Sub Git category is Geoff Hoon. He was the man who got up in parliament and said Britain (by which was actually meant the British military base in Cyprus) was 45 minutes from attack by Iraqi missiles. Then it was pointed out that the 45-minute warning referred to standard Iraqi battlefield weapons, not long-range missiles. It turned out he was just… lying, something like that.
Oh, and according to Geoff Hoon Masters of War is a good song, but it’s about a particular war, not wars in general.
Ex-Left Gits
The choice is almost overwhelming. What makes the former lefties who rallied to the Bush war drive particularly gittish; the worship of power, perhaps? The only force left capable of effecting democratic change is the US army, don’t you know?
Perhaps it’s the constant projection their own circumstances onto their opponents. By definition anyone who objects to war for whatever reason will be an unrepresentative, elitist minority based mostly in the media and liberal professions… Quite.
Most of all it’s their creeping, persistent demonisation of Muslims. From Christopher Hitchens cluster bomb fantasies to Martin Amis’s ‘thought experiments’ in collective punishment, these people are heading on a fascist train of thought. This is doubly sickening as (1) they project their fascism onto their intended victims but (2) are always far away from the blood and the tears shed in their name.
Meanwhile actual full-blown fascists have returned to our streets, carrying the logic of the supposed war against Islamic extremism to its logical conclusion. This should finally silence the ex-left. I say should, of course the calamities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine, Lebanon and Somalia haven’t shut them up so far. Let’s not hold our breath. They are gits after all.
TV Gits
Away from the world of politics there are gits in abundance. In civil society a git is best defined as someone who doesn’t so much spread misery as just make life that little bit worse, that extra bit degrading and idiotic.
TV in particular is degrading and idiotic. TV’s biggest gits, in no particular order:
Simon Cowell – It’s very easy to poke holes in programmes like Pop Idol or X Factor… so I don’t see why we shouldn’t. They used to say that if you knew how sausages were made you’d no longer eat them. Simon Cowell took TV cameras onto the killing floor. Judging by the state of the singles charts vegetarianism is catching on.
Not so much as cannibalism, mind you. Apparently the best bits of X Factor are the early episodes, where Cowell and crew get to hilariously crush the dreams of talentless no-hopers. This is merely a televised revival of the carnival freak show. It’s a designedly demoralising experience. The chief difference between the freaks on parade and the audience is the freaks turned up for the audition.
Everyone involved in Strictly Come Dancing – I can’t be bothered to learn their names. Anyway, the upshot of the reality TV boom is everything has to be turned into some kind of contest. By 2012 our blue-arsed Home Secretary would most likely have introduced Strictly On Probation.
Strictly Come Dancing has been singled out partly because of its name. There was Come Dancing TV show where amateur dancers competed for a prize. Anyone can understand that. Come Dancing is an invitation to participate. Strictly Come Dancing on the other hand is gibberish. It means nothing other than oh-we-would-like-you-to-think-of-the-film-Strictly-Ballroom-while-you-watch-this. Do you mind if I don’t?
But we mostly hate SCD because it’s currently sustaining the gurning cadaver of Bruce Forsyth, who would surely die if we refused to pay him any heed; such is his Faustian pact. We hate him and the racist git Anton Du Beke.
My Family – whose family is like that? If Kris Marshall were in my family I’d change my name.
The Simple Life… of parasites. It’s a very, very simple life. Attach body to host. Remain there.
Friends – why did it take so long to crush this paper tiger? There’s no plot, no jokes, no one approaching a rounded, realistic character. Apparently one man watched every episode from every season non-stop back to back and suffered hallucinations by the end. Serves him right.
Ant and Dec – I have a sense of dignity, get them out of here!
We would all laugh knowingly at the The Apprentice. Look at the gits who run our world, tells us what to do and where to go, poison our language with jargon, degrade our culture, pollute our atmosphere and then run off with all the money. Look at them! Then the recession hit, and it wasn’t so funny anymore.
Internet Gits
Most of the internet is dull and wasteful (the damage inflicted by this blog is bad enough, though mitigated by it’s deserving lack of readers). Blogging has become a deeply fashionable cause for concern amongst journalists. Who’d pay 60p for some pompous frog’s opinion on Parliament when some git is on the internet giving it away for free?
But most blogging is low-grade shite, by low-grade shite, for low-grade shite. The most prominent stuff is often by chair straighteners and paper clip counters in Westminster chattering with the self-regard of courtiers, the vanity of the elephant man. If we had to pick one at random we’d go for Ian Dale and dumb lists.
But a special shout out goes to Andy Newman. I was going to say a lot more, but let's keep it simple. There's a reason the Beatles never sang Back In The DDR.
Charity Gits
Moving on, two more popular choices: Bono and Bob Geldof. Since Make Poverty History was made history we’ve been able to say this.
Bono, of course, has been prostituting his band’s declining legacy for quite a while. One notable low was U2 shilling for Ipods. But the nastiest moment had to be his Labour Party conference speech, where he described Tony Blair and Gordon Brown as the Lennon and McCartney of Global Development. Ugh!
Bob Geldof doesn’t really have a legacy to spoil (one hit doesn’t count as a legacy). Nonetheless he did manage to stand on a Make Poverty History platform and, without blushing, say he was tired of teargas and batons (giving the game away about what MPH was really about). When did that git catch as much as the faintest whiff of teargas?
Comedy Gits
Little Britain seems to consist of men in drag, class racism and ooh err missus prurience. Have the last twenty years of alternative comedy just been in vain? It would be almost bearable if there were some kind of knowing edge to it. Judging by Matt Lucas’s interview in the Guardian (“to be honest with you… Sasha Baron Cohen is in a class of his own”) he’s as vapid as his characters.
Michael McIntyre: or Boris Johnson with dyed hair. I’m sorry but the Sex On Fire routine doesn’t make up for the other hour and twenty eight minutes of wibble, wibble, woo.
Excuse me, Jimmy Carr, when did rape become funny? Did I miss a meeting?
Musical Gits
Queen + Paul Rodgers… who asked for that? Queen + Paul Rodgers almost certainly = Unexpected Tax Bill Tour.
Dave Grohl: hey, wasn’t he in Nirvana back in the day? You wouldn’t have guessed.
Oasis – a band sustained by the adoration and disposable income of plumbers, sales reps and Sports Science students. Since halfway through What’s The Story (morning glory) each new album has been an egregious waste of time and effort. Thankfully they split up this year. If there’s any sense left in parliament it should pass a law forbidding them to ever reunite.
The Red Hot Chilli Peppers have made the same album for the past ten years. Damn, why didn’t I think of that? Gits!
Paul McCartney – wrote Freedom. Its working title was Give War A Chance. Bad enough. But he and his buddies then put on a Concert for New York City (cause New York really needs the money). The attacks were horrific and crime, but why do we put up with rock stars who think getting up on stage to bang out their greatest hits is a solution to society’s great problems? Are we that stupid and debased?
Sporting Gits
Sir Colin Leslie Hoy, rides round and round and round on a bicycle. Well done you. Britain (by which we mean the British Olympic Team) won a record number of medals at the Beijing Olympics, in cycling, sailing, rowing, horse riding… Wait a minute; they’re all sports where you sit down.
Miscellaneous Gits
In years gone by the case of Ben Elton would be filed under comedy git. The only problem is he hasn’t done anything funny in over a decade. Residents and eagle-eyed tourists will know there’s a giant gold statue of Freddie Mercury above the Dominion Theatre on Tottenham Court Road, celebrating 8 ‘glorious’ years of We Will Rock You.
This means said musical is as old as the War on Terror. Both should be fought with equal vigour.
Prince Harry of Hewitt: nazi, soldier, oxygen thief; can’t you just see him as a future dictator? I bet he only has one bollock.
You have until December 31st to vote:
This decade has been the Decade of the Git. There is one overwhelming reason for this, more of which later, but first, what is a git?
A git is not powerful, is not confident, competent or socially useful. A git is an oxygen thief, a sponge, a sneak and a backstabber. A git is not a bully. A git is someone who stands behind the bully to feel big. Of course the bully is nothing without his posse, which, in many ways, makes being a git worse.
Git is not an adequate pejorative for someone like George Bush or Rupert Murdoch. A git is someone like Christopher Hitchens or, better still, James Murdoch who recently bastardised the good work of Charles Darwin to glorify his Dad’s business practices.
For the last twenty to twenty-five years Britain has been turned into the Land of the Gits. Roughly ¼ of the working population is now employed in financial services. While very few of them are out and out bankers, it is indicative of what our society has become. The British economy no longer makes anything useful or substantial. It specialises in finding new and innovative ways to bilk money out of the global system and spray it around in the form of credit.
Britain is the Git of the Globe. Appropriately enough the British government is said git in state form. The United States is the international bully, violent and cruel. What’s more it spent 8 of the last 10 years bragging about the misery it inflicts.
But, as we already mentioned, George Bush is not a git. The American President was, is and always will be a mass murderer. It makes no difference if he happens to be a smirking frat boy or an eloquent senator.
But for every bully there’s a buddy, and George Bush had Tony Blair.
State Sponsored Gits
First amongst gits is Tony Blair. Probably the runaway favourite, in his ten years of power our former Prime Minister combined the dignity of the highest office a commoner can aspire to with the degrading, unctuous manner of a waiter at a monkeys tea party. If you’re not sure, remember two words: “Yo Blair”.
But he was also a big fat liar. He didn’t just lie about the big things like weapons of mass destruction, he even peppered his passing anecdotes with absurd falsehoods. He was after all the 14 year old who managed to stow away to the Bahamas on a plane that never existed.
And now he’s a multi-millionaire! What a git!
The job spec for Home Secretary includes: “desirable qualities: vicious, cowardly, authoritarian, must continually redefine right wing to the point of infinite lunacy”. But there is a clear trend. The declining quality of Home Secretaries means that by 2012, Britain’s prisons and police will be run by a blue-arsed baboon, we will all have barcodes on our head and everyone under 35 not in the army will be preventatively jailed.
That said we would like to thank two particular former secretaries from the heart of our bottom. First up David Blunkett, the man who told Asians in Bradford their (still) imprisoned sons were “whining maniacs".
But special thoughts are reserved for Jack Straw, the turd that wouldn’t flush. He’s not stupid like, say, Ben Bradshaw or Hazel what-exactly-do-you-stand-for-except-election Blears. Jack Straw is a sly customer who learned his trade in the NUS.
The Labour Party has spent the last fifteen years pretending class doesn’t exist, except to counterpose class to race, hence the alleged concern for the “white working class”. Gary Younge was right when he said, if any one person can be blamed for the rise of racism and fascism in Britain its Jack Straw (granted a big if). This is a man happy to band words with Nick Griffin, but who, apparently, is unhappy speaking to his constituents constituents if he can't see their faces (goodness knows how he copes with telephone conversations).
Sub Gits
Or, perhaps, lesser gits. Politics is full of them. Denis McShane is a favourite of mine. He seems to be New Labour’s favourite intellectual attack dog, let off the leash to growl at Guardian readers. He has fearlessly pressed argument after specious argument, too many to list. A good example would be where he linked the fall of the Weimar Republic and the rise of Hitler to the “ideological vanity” of the USPD in breaking from the mainstream SPD in 1917.
Our other nomination in the Sub Git category is Geoff Hoon. He was the man who got up in parliament and said Britain (by which was actually meant the British military base in Cyprus) was 45 minutes from attack by Iraqi missiles. Then it was pointed out that the 45-minute warning referred to standard Iraqi battlefield weapons, not long-range missiles. It turned out he was just… lying, something like that.
Oh, and according to Geoff Hoon Masters of War is a good song, but it’s about a particular war, not wars in general.
Ex-Left Gits
The choice is almost overwhelming. What makes the former lefties who rallied to the Bush war drive particularly gittish; the worship of power, perhaps? The only force left capable of effecting democratic change is the US army, don’t you know?
Perhaps it’s the constant projection their own circumstances onto their opponents. By definition anyone who objects to war for whatever reason will be an unrepresentative, elitist minority based mostly in the media and liberal professions… Quite.
Most of all it’s their creeping, persistent demonisation of Muslims. From Christopher Hitchens cluster bomb fantasies to Martin Amis’s ‘thought experiments’ in collective punishment, these people are heading on a fascist train of thought. This is doubly sickening as (1) they project their fascism onto their intended victims but (2) are always far away from the blood and the tears shed in their name.
Meanwhile actual full-blown fascists have returned to our streets, carrying the logic of the supposed war against Islamic extremism to its logical conclusion. This should finally silence the ex-left. I say should, of course the calamities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine, Lebanon and Somalia haven’t shut them up so far. Let’s not hold our breath. They are gits after all.
TV Gits
Away from the world of politics there are gits in abundance. In civil society a git is best defined as someone who doesn’t so much spread misery as just make life that little bit worse, that extra bit degrading and idiotic.
TV in particular is degrading and idiotic. TV’s biggest gits, in no particular order:
Simon Cowell – It’s very easy to poke holes in programmes like Pop Idol or X Factor… so I don’t see why we shouldn’t. They used to say that if you knew how sausages were made you’d no longer eat them. Simon Cowell took TV cameras onto the killing floor. Judging by the state of the singles charts vegetarianism is catching on.
Not so much as cannibalism, mind you. Apparently the best bits of X Factor are the early episodes, where Cowell and crew get to hilariously crush the dreams of talentless no-hopers. This is merely a televised revival of the carnival freak show. It’s a designedly demoralising experience. The chief difference between the freaks on parade and the audience is the freaks turned up for the audition.
Everyone involved in Strictly Come Dancing – I can’t be bothered to learn their names. Anyway, the upshot of the reality TV boom is everything has to be turned into some kind of contest. By 2012 our blue-arsed Home Secretary would most likely have introduced Strictly On Probation.
Strictly Come Dancing has been singled out partly because of its name. There was Come Dancing TV show where amateur dancers competed for a prize. Anyone can understand that. Come Dancing is an invitation to participate. Strictly Come Dancing on the other hand is gibberish. It means nothing other than oh-we-would-like-you-to-think-of-the-film-Strictly-Ballroom-while-you-watch-this. Do you mind if I don’t?
But we mostly hate SCD because it’s currently sustaining the gurning cadaver of Bruce Forsyth, who would surely die if we refused to pay him any heed; such is his Faustian pact. We hate him and the racist git Anton Du Beke.
My Family – whose family is like that? If Kris Marshall were in my family I’d change my name.
The Simple Life… of parasites. It’s a very, very simple life. Attach body to host. Remain there.
Friends – why did it take so long to crush this paper tiger? There’s no plot, no jokes, no one approaching a rounded, realistic character. Apparently one man watched every episode from every season non-stop back to back and suffered hallucinations by the end. Serves him right.
Ant and Dec – I have a sense of dignity, get them out of here!
We would all laugh knowingly at the The Apprentice. Look at the gits who run our world, tells us what to do and where to go, poison our language with jargon, degrade our culture, pollute our atmosphere and then run off with all the money. Look at them! Then the recession hit, and it wasn’t so funny anymore.
Internet Gits
Most of the internet is dull and wasteful (the damage inflicted by this blog is bad enough, though mitigated by it’s deserving lack of readers). Blogging has become a deeply fashionable cause for concern amongst journalists. Who’d pay 60p for some pompous frog’s opinion on Parliament when some git is on the internet giving it away for free?
But most blogging is low-grade shite, by low-grade shite, for low-grade shite. The most prominent stuff is often by chair straighteners and paper clip counters in Westminster chattering with the self-regard of courtiers, the vanity of the elephant man. If we had to pick one at random we’d go for Ian Dale and dumb lists.
But a special shout out goes to Andy Newman. I was going to say a lot more, but let's keep it simple. There's a reason the Beatles never sang Back In The DDR.
Charity Gits
Moving on, two more popular choices: Bono and Bob Geldof. Since Make Poverty History was made history we’ve been able to say this.
Bono, of course, has been prostituting his band’s declining legacy for quite a while. One notable low was U2 shilling for Ipods. But the nastiest moment had to be his Labour Party conference speech, where he described Tony Blair and Gordon Brown as the Lennon and McCartney of Global Development. Ugh!
Bob Geldof doesn’t really have a legacy to spoil (one hit doesn’t count as a legacy). Nonetheless he did manage to stand on a Make Poverty History platform and, without blushing, say he was tired of teargas and batons (giving the game away about what MPH was really about). When did that git catch as much as the faintest whiff of teargas?
Comedy Gits
Little Britain seems to consist of men in drag, class racism and ooh err missus prurience. Have the last twenty years of alternative comedy just been in vain? It would be almost bearable if there were some kind of knowing edge to it. Judging by Matt Lucas’s interview in the Guardian (“to be honest with you… Sasha Baron Cohen is in a class of his own”) he’s as vapid as his characters.
Michael McIntyre: or Boris Johnson with dyed hair. I’m sorry but the Sex On Fire routine doesn’t make up for the other hour and twenty eight minutes of wibble, wibble, woo.
Excuse me, Jimmy Carr, when did rape become funny? Did I miss a meeting?
Musical Gits
Queen + Paul Rodgers… who asked for that? Queen + Paul Rodgers almost certainly = Unexpected Tax Bill Tour.
Dave Grohl: hey, wasn’t he in Nirvana back in the day? You wouldn’t have guessed.
Oasis – a band sustained by the adoration and disposable income of plumbers, sales reps and Sports Science students. Since halfway through What’s The Story (morning glory) each new album has been an egregious waste of time and effort. Thankfully they split up this year. If there’s any sense left in parliament it should pass a law forbidding them to ever reunite.
The Red Hot Chilli Peppers have made the same album for the past ten years. Damn, why didn’t I think of that? Gits!
Paul McCartney – wrote Freedom. Its working title was Give War A Chance. Bad enough. But he and his buddies then put on a Concert for New York City (cause New York really needs the money). The attacks were horrific and crime, but why do we put up with rock stars who think getting up on stage to bang out their greatest hits is a solution to society’s great problems? Are we that stupid and debased?
Sporting Gits
Sir Colin Leslie Hoy, rides round and round and round on a bicycle. Well done you. Britain (by which we mean the British Olympic Team) won a record number of medals at the Beijing Olympics, in cycling, sailing, rowing, horse riding… Wait a minute; they’re all sports where you sit down.
Miscellaneous Gits
In years gone by the case of Ben Elton would be filed under comedy git. The only problem is he hasn’t done anything funny in over a decade. Residents and eagle-eyed tourists will know there’s a giant gold statue of Freddie Mercury above the Dominion Theatre on Tottenham Court Road, celebrating 8 ‘glorious’ years of We Will Rock You.
This means said musical is as old as the War on Terror. Both should be fought with equal vigour.
Prince Harry of Hewitt: nazi, soldier, oxygen thief; can’t you just see him as a future dictator? I bet he only has one bollock. 
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)